


My Metal

by Jimblood Rotringpen (elJimmeister)



Category: (My) Immortal: The Web Series, Harry Potter - Fandom, My Immortal
Genre: F/F, F/M, Heavy Metal, M/M, Parody, Time Travel, Umlauts, gender bending, metalhead - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-10 04:25:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5571170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elJimmeister/pseuds/Jimblood%20Rotringpen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Salutations, fellow brothers and sisters in the best genre of music ever: metal! AWWWWWW YEAH! This is an epic tale of epic proportions told from the perspective of a stereotypical metal elitist. RATED M 4 METULZ!! \m/ NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SIRIUSLY! (Yup, it's a parody of the infamous My Immortal retold from a metalhead Gary Stu's perspective.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [My Immortal](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/140843) by Tara Gilesbie. 



> Jimmy's Note: Welcome to my parody/satire of My Immortal. This is the elitist metalhead version!
> 
> This was originally written when 2013 began, so some band member lineups are outdated at this point [December 2015]. For instance, Alissa is no longer lead vocalist of The Agonist.

AN: Special hornz (get it, 'cause I'm a metalhead and I'm more awesome than you?) to my new bf (Best Friend! What else, poser?) Vulture, goatsblood666, for helping me with the story and spelling. You rock! Carly (not THAT Carly who sang that wussy Call Me Maybe song, if it can even be fucking called a song!) you're the woman of adoration of my epic life, and you rock too! THE AGONIST ROCKS!

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/  
  
CHAPTER 1  
  
Salutations, fellow brothers and sisters in the best fucking genre of music in the world: metal! Awwwwww yeah!!! Well then. Let me introduce myself. I am he who calls himself Rainblood Öystein Cross Vülture-White, but my real name is Lee Dong Hae [geddit?] but I moved out of Korea because k-pop is for idiots, and I fucking hate the fact that I share names with that wussy from Super Junior! RAAAAHHHHHH! I have long, black hair that reaches my mid-back, without any other color because hair dye in unnatural colors is for posers and scene kids (with the awesome exception of Alissa White-Gluz; more on her later.) the worst of all the blights of society. My eyes are a deep crimson like fresh menstrual blood and a lot of people tell me I look like Herman Li. (AN: If you don't know who he is, then get the hell out of here, poser!)  
  
I'm not related to Alissa White-Gluz, and I like it that way (incest is for posers and rednecks who are so desperate to get laid) because she is so sexy and so fucking hot. And thankfully as well, I'm not related to that goth poser chick Amy Lee, fuckers! I'm not a vampire, though, thankfully, because those posers have soiled what was once a metalhead thing with stupid pop culture and glitter. Ack! I hate glitter! My teeth are straight and white, and I have pale white skin which is even slightly lighter than my teeth, so I didn't even need the white part of corpse paint. I'm a warlock, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in Scotland where I'm in the seventh year, for I am seventeen years of age. I'm a metalhead, in case you still couldn't tell by now, and I wear mostly black, even though the posers are adopting the same kind of fashion. The thing is, we, the metalheads, started the thing with wearing black as a statement of defiance towards those fucking stuck-up prudes who think our music is nothing but noise.  
  
Hot Topic is for posers, and I never buy my clothes from there. For example, today, I was wearing a blue denim vest, which I bought from a garage sale, that I patched all over (REAL men know how to sew, ok!) with the logos of Black Sabbath, AC/DC, The Agonist, Cannibal Corpse, Cerebral Bore, Mayhem, Venom, Bathory, Accept, Iron Maiden, Opeth, Deep Purple, Motörhead, Metallica, Slayer, Anthrax, Megadeth, and many more other logos which look just like a bundle of twigs to the untrained poser eye, but trust me, I can read them all even from twenty meters away. In addition to that, I also wore leather pants, and black spiky cleats for stepping on Converse-clad poser foot. I wasn't wearing any make-up. Make-up is for girls, thespians, drag queens, and clowns. Corpse paint is a different story altogether. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was raining blood, which I was very happy about. A lot of posers stared at me, and I roared at them like a true metal vocalist would.  
  
"Hey Rainblood!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Chö Chang, whom I have recently converted into the ways of metal! Misogyny is for posers and hip hop wussies!  
  
"What's up Chö Chang?" I asked.  
  
"Nothing." she said shyly.  
  
But then, I heard my brothers in metal call me and I had to go away.

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/  
  
AN: IS it good? PLEASE tell me, hornz! 4 TRU METULZ!!!111!!!  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy's Note: I guess I can be considered an elitist myself in the general sense of the word in that I (personally) dislike pop and hip-hop that mostly consists of misogynistic lyrics, senseless hedonism, and monotony and honestly think that majority of classical music, rock and metal are superior to pop, rnb, and hiphop. Again, that is just my opinion. On another rather amusing note, majority of metal elitists actually hate Dragonforce.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Hornz to Vulture, my best brother in metal, for helping me write this new page in Satan's unholy tome of unholiness! By the way, posers, stop filling the reviews pages with your invalid, distasteful gibberish, OK!  
  
\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/  
  
The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was raining blood again. I drank some beer from a bottle I had. My bed was deep purple [geddit?] with thick, black sheets decorated with interlinked band logos that resemble spider webs, and again, I'm the only one who can read all 666 of them. I got out of my bed and took off my giant Iron Maiden t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black vest embellished all over it with headless, unclothed women (but remember, I am not a fucking misogynist! Female metalheads are hot! Metal needs more women! Angry red women!) making godless love to dragons shaped like motorcycles, a silver necklace with a Baphomet pendant with the crushed skull fragments of a poser "goff" girl with black, red and purple hair who committed suicide (suicide is for posers, but with Dead of Mayhem as the awesome exception to the rule) by using the Avada Kedavra spell on herself (Chö gave me the necklace as a gift), military green combat boots stained with a goat's fresh menstrual blood, and ripped jeans that I've patched up with more logos of death metal bands. I put on four pairs of skull earrings in my pierced ears and let my greasy, jet black hair stay down.  
  
My friend, Gibbet (AN: Vulture, this is you!) woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his long, waist-length black hair and opened his envy-green eyes. He put on his Mayhem t-shirt with black pants and spike-soled leather boots, again, for stepping on bloodied, Vans-clad poser, pedicured foot.  
  
"Oh my fucking Satan! Dude, I saw you talking to Chö Chang yesterday!" he said excitedly.  
  
"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. Even a true fucking metalhead has to blush once in a while, you know?  
  
"Do you like Chö Chang?" he asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.  
  
"No, I so fucking don't!" I shouted (even though I actually like her.)  
  
"Yeah, right!" he exclaimed. Just then, Chö walked up to me.  
  
"Hi." she said.  
  
"Hi." I replied orgasmically.  
  
"Guess what?" she said.  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
"Well, The Agonist are having a concert in Hogsmeade," she told me.  
  
"Oh. My. Fucking. Satan!" I screamed, and for a moment there, I looked like a metalhead version of a wussy valley girl (I'm NOT a misogynist, but I do have my standards.) who does nothing but care too much about her looks and everything that is superficial, but I LOVE The Agonist! They are my favorite band, besides Mayhem, and of course, the big 4. Every good metalhead knows who the big 4 are!  
  
"Well…. do you want to go with me?" she asked.  
  
I gasped.  
  
\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy's Note: Yes, Alissa White-Gluz is hot.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy's Note: Dis chapta contans Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey bashin. Viower excretion advisd. (I personally loathe the two aforementioned books, but I myself am not shoving that down your throats. Remember, this is the elitist metalhead version of My Immortal, and hardened metal elitists love nothing more than to shove their beliefs down your throats.) Hornz for the good reviews!

AN: STOP SULLYING MY REVIEWS PAGE WITH YOUR NONSENSICAL FILTH, POSERS! Other than that, HORNZ AGAIN, VULTURE! Oh, yeah, by the way, I have no rights to the awesomeness that is The Agonist. I am but a humble fan of the beautiful Alissa White-Gluz, and of course, the band itself.  
  
\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

CHAPTER 3  
  
On the night of the concert, I put on my black, lace-up combat boots with platforms. I am a pretty short guy, just about five foot six, so I need these in order to see the stage better. Tucked in them were military fatigue pants. Then, I put on my black Slayer shirt. I wore dark blue arm warmers with spiked bracelets. Still, I just let my hair down. And I felt happy. Only a poser would feel depressed before going to a concert of one of their favorite bands.  
  
I have also asked Gibbet if he wanted to go too, but he was too busy studying how to brew a potion that will turn all speech into metal growls. Gibbet also said that he doesn't want to ruin 'my moment with Chö.' Whatever he's talking about.  
  
While waiting for some time to pass, I read 50 Shades of Grey, an honestly depressing testament to the deteriorating standards of literature today. Sure, I LOVE torture, can name and vividly describe in every awesome detail all the gruesome, bloody methods of torture and execution throughout history from scaphism, Brazen Bull, Blood Eagle, ling chi, to impalement, among many others, and think (and KNOW) that the Cannibal Corpse album arts are masterpieces. In fact, the complete set is displayed and framed with deep mahogany on the dark gray, ashlar-patterned, stone-clad accent walls of my room, just above my big, deep purple bed (with black sheets) with ornate carvings of Baphomet at the corners of of the bed's elegant, dark, hardwood canopy framing that is reminiscent of HR Giger's artwork. Man, HR Giger rocks! However, this book is just too vile and insipid, even for someone whose favorite books are Justine and The 120 Days of Sodom, both books by none other than The Marquis de Sade, my favorite writer. Man, he rocks too! Well, I was reading it in order to mock how those fucking Twatlight-posers are sullying torture and BDSM, two of my favorite things, besides real vampires that don't sparkle. (My relationship with Chö does not involve abuse, though. Only posers who are simply overcompensating for their microscopic penis size actually abuse their girlfriends or wives non-consensually.) I didn't bother to paint my nails because they have already darkened naturally from an incantation that I have cast on them. I didn't put on make-up because I look awesome anyway. I drank some beer, so I was ready for the concert.  
  
I went outside. Chö was waiting for my there in front of her flying car. She was wearing a midriff-baring, loose-fitting Cerebral Bore t-shirt (they would play at the show too) that also flaunted her well-sculpted underboobs, a black denim miniskirt with a bullet belt that emphasized her pale, heavily-tattooed, perfect figure, naturally black nails from a spell that she asked me to cast on them, and corpse paint. (AN: A lot of gorgeous metalhead women wear it, ok! Jeremy Saffer rocks, although he has taken pictures of some poser bands such as My Chemical Romance, Bring Me the Horizon, and Avenged Sevenfold.)  
  
"Hi, Chö!" I said in an elated voice.  
  
"Hi Rainblood," she said back. We walked into her flying black vintage car with a license plate that said 666 and flew to the place with the concert. On the way, we listened excitedly to Cannibal Corpse and Mayhem. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the moshpit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to The Agonist. "All I heard was the sound of fish who'd drowned. All I saw was the inside of my eyelids. All I said fell short of reaching open ears!" screamed Alissa. (Of course, I don't own the lyrics to this epic song.)  
  
"Alissa is so fucking hot," I said to Chö, pointing to her as she sung, filling the club with her orgasmic voice.  
  
Suddenly, Chö looked sad.  
  
"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.  
  
"Hey, it's ok; I don't like her better than YOU!" I said.  
  
"Really?" asked Chö sensitively and I put my tattooed, muscular arm around her, protecting her from the riotous moshers.  
  
"Really," I said. "Besides I don't even know Alissa personally, and she's most probably married to some tool who looks like a Hot Topic reject..." I said, noticing that most great women are taken, lesbian, or dead.  
  
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Chö. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Alissa and Simone for their autographs and photos with them. We got The Agonist and Cerebral Bore concert tees. Cho and I crawled (Yup, we crawled. That moshpit was a riot!) back into the car, but we didn't go back into Hogwarts; instead she drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!    
  
\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most metalheads actually consider it a faux pas to wear a shirt with the band you're going to see that day. In other words, it's a no-no for Chö Chang to wear a Cerebral Bore shirt to a show where Cerebral Bore themselves will be performing. On another note, as of this writing [2013], Alissa isn't actually married. I also don't have anything against Hot Topic. I actually have friends who shop there, and other friends who shop at Abercrombie. I don't consider what shops you go to before I befriend you. That's just ridiculous. 
> 
> I enumerated the first five torture and execution methods in this chapter that came to mind without doing any Google search. Furthermore, my favorite writers are actually JD Salinger, Herman Hesse, and Hunter S. Thompson. Also, Simone Pluijmers is no longer in the band Cerebral Bore. 
> 
> And yes, seriously, Jeremy Saffer is one of my favorite photographers. His gallery is quite impressive, but don't check it out if your parents are in the same room as you are or if you're at school or work. He has a deviantArt account, and I'm one of his watchers. The guy's definitely got my dream job (besides architecture).


End file.
